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Everybody has a list of woodworking books they enjoy and a stack of woodworking books that they never should have bought (anything with “Krenovian birdhouses” in the title). And most woodworkers have a list of woodworking books that they wish would get published someday.
That is not what we are writing about today. Below are the books that should never see the light of day. Or are simply ridiculous. Joel Moskowitz, the founder of Tools for Working Wood, came up with 11 sample titles below. Have a look:
“The Complete Guide To Honing Guides”
“Woodworking and Intellectual Property Law for Forum Posters”
“Lost in a Tool Tray – The Search for the Hidden Marking Knife”
“Seven Excuses for not Finishing Your Kitchen Cabinets”
“Tool Purchase Budgeting”
“Interesting Uses for Rarely Used Tools”
“101 Party Suggestions for those ‘I’ve Finished a Project’ Parties”
“Popular Woodworking’s Guide to the Writings of Chris Schwarz”
“How to Increase Productivity When You Have Internet Access At Work”
“How to Make Your Own Folding Chairs”
“A Price Guide to Lie-Nielsen Boxes and Packing Materials”
Of course, Joel’s list prodded me to make up my own. I don’t know if I can top that “price guide” book. That one almost made me soil myself. Here goes:
“$10 Bed Rocks and Unicorns that Poop Rainbows”
“Make Your Own BBQ Grill — From Wood!”
“Craft Fair Crap”
“Still More Craft Fair Crap”
“‘Nice Crotch!’ and 600 Other Naughty-sounding Woodworking Terms”
“How to Murder Trees and Make Stuff With Their Flesh”
“Plywood Silhouettes of Famous French Monarchs”
“I Hate Tools That Cost More than $1 (And the People Who Buy Them)”
“How to Make $40,000 a Year at Woodworking” (Oops, this actually is a real book!)
OK humorous woodworkers. Here’s your chance. Leave the title of your most ridiculous imaginary book in the comments below. By the way, this is all a joke. So if you’re going to leave an angry comment, I’m going to roll my eyes.
– Christopher Schwarz
Here are some supplies and tools we find essential in our everyday work around the shop. We may receive a commission from sales referred by our links; however, we have carefully selected these products for their usefulness and quality.
How To Work Dogwood Without The Bark
How To Work Dogwood Without The Bark
"I have more than enough clamps, and other woodworking myths"
"PopWood Guide to Flannel Shirts, Annual Issue 2009"
"Having the Right Tools Sure Makes It Easy" subtitle "And Other Comments by Clueness Neighbors that Need a Hand"
"Complete Guide to Gorilla Glue Foam-out Removal"
"Ex-Custom Furnituremaker’s Guide to Paying Off IRS Debts."
A Hatchet at Wounded Knee: Modern Indian Woodworking Techniques
It’s all Bloodwood: A species by species guide with over 500 pictures. Maple bloodwood, walnut bloodwood….
Wipe: A guide to making toilet paper from sawdust and shavings. You are bound to clean up with this book.
I could make that! antiquing with the wife, staying on a budget.
Hilarious & far too accurate in depicting my attempts to act the "Master Craftsman" over the past 40+ years of woodworking. It’s damn good to know that I’m not the only old coot that has made so.o.o many mistakes with expensive wood & lived to laugh about it.
"Blood Stain, the Green Alternative"
"I don’t need no stinking fingers – the idiot’s guide to woodworking"
"Wood. Grind. Crotch. A walk through Woodworking’s Red-Light District"
Chris,
Love your inspiration for this blog. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.
Having done the craft show circuit for many years I have some additional titles for you.
Craft Show Sales: Fact or Fiction
How to properly price your craft show sales pieces. (Sub-title: How to secret shop the other woodworking vendors to find out how much they are charging for the same items you made.)
How to successfully give away and donate all the items made for craft shows that magazines and books said were a sure seller every time.
Why other crafters sell items from patterns I designed and I can’t give the item away.
Craft Show Sales: How to make thousands of dollars per year without trying hard
One or two weekends a year and the amazing money that can be made for just a few hours time.
The beginners guide for the craft sale crafter: There are no costs for just a little of your time and other myths.
In spite of the silly titles above, doing the craft shows was a lot of fun and a great experience. Hope didn’t offend anyone as this is all in fun.
Jigs for left handed pink french door stops 2nd edition"plus "The compete guide to waxing your turtle" "how to train your dogs not to cheat at cards" "Woodworkers guide to auto repair while carving" "how to avoid friendly people while bowling" How to interrogate your neighbors cat""avoiding trees with bad attitudes.
"How to Uninstall screens doors in you submarine under water" Seven steps to cleaner dirt"" choosing the correct deoderant by taste"" How to draw air with you eyes closed"" fleas not just for circuses any more"How to itch your ear while rowing a boat and eating a banana"" ducks in history""How nose hair effects your jogging ""How snakes ride bikes"what gorillas do in the mist"" 37 things LJ can stand for""recipes for things you don’t eat""Sleeping the plague of the century""what flies think about""Sawdust the perfect salt substitute"
Jigs for left handed pink french door stops 2nd edition"plus "The compete guide to waxing your turtle" "how to train your dogs not to cheat at cards" "Woodworkers guide to auto repair while carving" "how to avoid friendly people while bowling" How to interrogate your neighbors cat""avoiding trees with bad attitudes.
"How to Uninstall screens doors in you submarine under water" Seven steps to cleaner dirt"" choosing the correct deoderant by taste"" How to draw air with you eyes closed"" fleas not just for circuses any more"How to itch your ear while rowing a boat and eating a banana"" ducks in history""How nose hair effects your jogging ""How snakes ride bikes"what gorillas do in the mist"" 37 things LJ can stand for""recipes for things you don’t eat""Sleeping the plague of the century""what flies think about""Sawdust the perfect salt substitute"
"How To Keep Your Beard Out Of The Tabel Saw" by C Schwartz
"The Woodturners Guide to Hamster Litter"
"Racing Tape Measures for Fun and Profit"
"Easy to Make Bloodwood Substitutes"
"Waterboards – Inside the CIA’s Controversial Woodworking Techniques"
"Shop Furniture – How to Avoid Real Woodworking Through Ongoing Shop Projects"
"Completely Useless Jigs and other Beginners’ Woodworking Projects"
"The Best route to go in making a Router Table"
"How to Remove Your Worts on a Belt Sander"
"Cutting Edge for Finger Joints on a Table Saw"
"Checking Planer Thickness with Fingers to Avoid Ruining Expensive Wood"
How to use cramps by Ho Dat Wud
The Collector’s Guide to Typing the Skil Jigsaw; a Pocket Guide
The Burn Test: A Craftsman’s Guide to Project Boo-Boos
Belt Sander Blood & Gore (Maybe just a website here.)
The Cordless Drill Book (Taunton Press?)
Table Saw Magic; Wait, Where’d That Lumber Go?
The Other Workbench Book
The Dictionary of Router Bits
Early American Spindle Sanders
The Mechanics Companion, or the Elements and Practice of Carpentry, Joinery, Bricklaying, Masonry, Slating, Plastering, Painting, Smithing, Turning, and Auto Manufacture, Comprehending the Latest Improvements, and Containing a Full Description of the Shopsmith, With Copious Directions for It’s Use (With apologies to Peter Nicholson)
Rugged balsa furniture — Secrets of thick veneering.
Add just one port — How to use your home’s central vacuum system as a shop vac, too.
Doll-house dishware: your lathe can turn small twigs into collectors’ items.
Why your table saw doesn’t _really_ need to be level.
And your workbench, too.
How to return that gallon of glue for store credit.
No, you can’t use Krazy-Glue(R) for _Everything_.
2001 uses for Krazy-Glue(R)
How to organize your workshop using your GPS.
Measure Once: "Real Men" -Style Woodworking.
Yes, your fingernail may grow back.
Sorting screws and nails.
Woodworking Economics 101: Depreciation tables for fine woods — from the store to your finished project.
and please send me an autographed copy of…
The Anal-Retentive Woodworker’s Guide to Shop Organization and Wood Scrap Management!
Some of these are hilarious! That said….
1)101 uses for a severed finger.
2)The board stretcher bible.
3)The appropriate curse when you hit a nail with your new Lie Neilson hand plane.
4)Why to buy a $400 tool for a $200 project
5)I told my wife how much I paid for my new tool…and lived! (fiction)
"Against the Grain: The life of a power tool woodworker in Colonial Williamsburg"
Your defense against Child Abuse charges for your son who had the bon-fire with 150 bf of black walnut.
1. There’s no such thing as Scrap Wood. I’ll make something out of it some day.
2. Building that lumber rack for 500 board feet of small pieces that have been in the box in the corner for 10 years.
Wobble Dado Blades, and other precision tools.
Woodworking: Do your best and caulk the rest
101 Reasons you Need a 2000 sqft Workshop behind your 1000 sqft house.
-"U.S. ARMY SPECIAL FORCES MEDICAL HANDBOOK FOR WOODSHOP INJURIES"
-"DIY CABINET SAW MADE ENTIRELY OF WOOD"
-"MARRIED COUPLES GUIDE TO WOOD MAKING"
-"MARRAIGE COUNSELING FOR WOODWORKING COUPLES"
-"DIVORCE COUPLES GUIDE TO WHO GETS WHAT IN THE WOODSHOP"
-"CONVINCING ARGUMENTS FOR NEW TOOLS-YES I CAN"
-"PREVENTING HAMMER-THUMB COLLISIONS..WHO HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY"
-"MAKNG BOOKCASES PER MIL-SPEC"
-"PRISON WOODSHOP PROJECTS-REPLICA WOOD GUNS AND JAILER KEYS"
-"DIY WOODEN TERMITE FEEDER"
-"MAKING WOOD CHAINS FOR YOUR BOAT ANCHOR"
-"INSURANCE ADJUSTERS GUIDE FOR DENYING WOODSHOP INJURIES"
-"HOW TO WIN A WOODSHOP INJURY CLAIM"
-"MORE DIY WOODEN TERMITE FEEDERS"
Why to keep the beer fridge out of the wood shop.
Author: Stubby Phalange
"Why parking the car in the garage isn’t really a good idea anyway."
"A Batchelor’s Guide to Tool Collecting"
"Words you may never hear, like "But where are we going to put it"".
"One more for the shop"
"How to give away wood faster than you collect it."
"Got sand paper?"
"A woodworker’s guide to Bondo"
"How to recognize Purple Heart cribbing"
"How to accept free wood without being pickey"
"A short walk from the fire wood pile to the carver’s bench"
Got to stop cause these sound to much like working titles.
OK…I’m late to the game. I only found out about this today. However, after a quick 5 minutes of thought, here are the first six that I came up with.
1) Kickback for Distance and Style: Home Table saw tricks to delight the NASCAR enthusiast
2) Your Kid Sucks!!!!! – The definitive guide to winning the Pine Wood Derby
3) Home Dust Explosions, The Car That Runs on Water, and The Grassy Knoll Shooter – Conspiracy Theories Debunked
4) Alternating Ring Growth – My failed search for flat glue-ups
5) #$^&)&* YOU, FESTOOL!!!!! — The Radial Arm Saw Owners Bible
6) Uncle Mike’s Mortise and Tenon – a Pop-up Book by NAMBLA
Building a 6,000 square foot house and all the furniture with nothing more than a scroll saw and a a hot-glue gun.
Tom Sevy
"Drop Your Pants to Count to Ten – Musings From My Workshop"
"Hitchhiking Without Thumbs"
"Picking Your Nose With Prosthetics"
"Top 3 1/2 Reasons To Leave The Blade Guard On"
and the timeless classic…
"How To Dial 911 With Your Nose"
Fighting fires with gasoline or mold remediation in South Texas.
Secrets to making that new expensive tool look old and cheap.
Subtitle : "Honey, I’ve had that tool forever"
1. "I can count to 9 and 1/2" – Shop safety for the ridiculously dumb.
2. Shop jigs that make woodworking as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…
3. "Hand tools!? We don’ need no stinking hand tools"
My all time faveourite:
Mastering Power Saws One Finger at a Time
First Aid for the Woodworker and the Preparation of a "One Handed" First Aid Kit
1. Memory of the Trees- A Walk Through A Lumber Yard
2. How to Support Your Family Doing Woodworking
3. Freelance Writing for Woodworking Magazines
4. Fine Furniture From Wood Pallets
5. Crafty Things One Can Do with Saw Dust
6. Gluing Your Fingers Together and Other Shop Amusements
7. Music For The Workshop
8. Make A Chair For a 800 lb Gorilla
9. 10 Creative Ways to Stack Cutoffs
10. 100 Excuses For Buying Another Tool
11. 100 Ways to Use Saw Dust
12. Fine Furniture For Your Trashy Neighbors
13. How to Screw Things Up
14. Getting a Buzz From Wood Glue
15. How to Count To Ten After The Accident
16. Creative Ways to Hide Dye Stains On Carpet
17. Proper Attire For the Shop or How I Learned to Love Flannel
18. Setting Up Shop In Your Kitchen
19. The $400 Splinter or How to Spend Saturday Afternoon in the E.R.
20. How to Arrange Allen Wrenches You’ve Collected Over the Years
21. Now What? Or How To Widen the Door To Your Shop
22. How Come Storing Lumber Under The Bed Is Not An Option
23. 10 Tricks to Ungluing A Project From Your Workbench
24. Get On With It or How to Stop Playing With the Hot Glue
25. What To Say When Someone Asks What Is It?
26. What To say When Someone Says; Betcha get 100 Smackeroons For That, After You Show Them Your Maloof Style Rocking Chair You Just Finished
27. How to Keep Your Brother-In-Law Out of Your Shop or Creative Ways To Unfold Bandsaw Blades
28. Creative Ways to Load Lumber in Your Car and What to Say When It Falls Off
– The Complete Guide to Woodshop Wound Care
– 101 Uses for the Ronco(R) Home Rotary Veneer Slicer
– Assuring Ultimate Flatness: A Treatise on the Necessity and Preferability of and Correct Technique for Lapping Metal Plane Soles in the 21st Century
– How to Avoid Dogmatism in on-line Woodworking Forums: 10 Must-Follow Rules
– The Anal-Retentive Woodworker’s Guide to Shop Organization and Wood Scrap Management
– Self-Treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder using Power Tools and Plywood
– Yes, You Can Biscuit!
– Stupid Router Tricks for Fun and Profit
– Pimp Your Thickness Planer
– Sawdust is Edible! A Green Earth Recycling(TM) Cookbook
– The Savvy Internet User’s Authoritative Guide to Proper Finishes for Wooden Cutting Boards and Countertops
– Free-Hand Tablesaw Techniques
Repeat Customer: The buyers Guide to Cheap Tools
MDF The Other Hard Wood
Building Pallets Using Only Old Furniture
How to Safely Catch a Falling Chisel, And other Pointy Stuff
Handbook of Useless Woodworking Gizmos
Finding the Real Gems At Harbor Freight
A Study of Quality Chinese Hand Tools
The Ten Finger Myth, Why Nine is Better
"Restoring, Tuning and Hoarding Classic Woodworking Tools"
"Workbenches: from Design and Theory to Redesign and More Theory"
"Soul of an MDF Factory"
"The Complete Guide to Complete Guides to Ultimately Building the Ultimate Shop"
"Out-of-print Books on Antique Tools: a Collector’s Guide"
"Misunderstanding Wood"
The classic trilogy:
A Tool Collector’s Notebook
The Fine Art of Tool Collecting
The Impractical Tool Collector
"Annual Chisel Rack and Saw Till Edition"
Flesh resistant handsaw filing ideas.
By The Powertool Association of America.
These titles should be banned forever:
The Illustrated Guide to Woodworking Injuries
Make a Chair from a Balsa Wood Tree
The Treadle Saw Primer by Christopher Schwarz (The video for this will be banned in all states but Arkansas)
Fine Furniture from OSB
A personal favorite, written by my spouse:
"Why I Spent Over $5000 on Rusty Block Planes, Yet Refused to Let Go of $375 for a Pristine #1 Stanley" – by Al Navas
I’m appointing myself judge. My favorite:
"Bang Your Thumb Slowly and Other Shop Wisdom"
Please send Archae the free autographed copy of "Still More Craft Fair Crap"
too funny!
.0003 tolerance – A woodworking odyssey
A woodworkers primer to electron microscopes
Creating tight joints with a $1300 miter saw the way they used to with a $20 handplane
Woodworking by the sea side. Vol 1 Setting up shop on the shoreline
Vol 2 Tide tables for dummies
The practical guide to hiding new tool purchases from your spouse
Designing and building better toothpicks
Heirloom furniture build with popsicle sticks
The complete illustrated tool guide and price list for Dollar Store tools
Woodworking on a budget : A complete guide to re-mortgaging your house
Confession of a tool porn addict
A wood hacker guide to the galaxy
Grow your own MDF trees
The plane flat sole society guide to sole lapping (comes with a 5 micron sheet of sandpaper)
Reverse engineering 101 : Build a tree from a chair.
How to add a laser guides to almost any tools and accessories
This is a hoot, I love this thread
Bob
Solving the Energy Crisis — How to convert 1500 watts into 6.5 HP. by Sears & Roebuck
"The Impractical Clogmaker"
"’#!$#&(*@!!!!’ and Other Memorable Woodworking Quotes"
"A Backbreaking Work of Splintering Locust"
"Kickback: The _True_ Story of Bernie Madoff’s Tablesaw"
"Horsepower: A History of the American Glue Factory"
"Knot in the Crotch!: Confessions of a Boxing Bodger"
Sawing Wood – 18 Projects for the Woodworking Insomniac
"Ultimate Buyer’s Guide to Dollar Router Bits"
"Baby Furniture by Brother Benjamin"
"Curves Ahead: Adding Style to Furniture"
"Woodworking made simple".
"I’m All Right Now". Written by the man who lost his left arm and leg in a sawmill accident.
"The Proper Abuse of Tools"
"Stool Samples"
"Knocked up in the Morning, and I’ve Got Cramps" An English-English to American-English phrasebook.(Morning wake up call, I’ve got clamps)
"Adventures in Woodworking Publishing"
(or "Schwarz Agonistes")
translated into French from the original English and published by Lost Arm Press.
"A Buyers Guide for Tools in a Downturned Economy"
"Puffy Shirts and Leather Breeches: A Period Woodworker’s Guide to Style" by Adam Cherubini
Digital Recovery in The Woodshop: 20 Quick, Effective Ways to Reattach Severed Digits
Paradise Lost – How to Survive and Prosper in Old Tool Hell, by T. Hughes
Australian Softwood Projects, by D. Cohen
Butt Joints – Frommer’s Guide to American Proctologists’ Hangouts
Oh, How about this one.
How to Turn $500 Into a $200 Table: A Woodworking Guide.
Why was this list so easy to make?
1. Tool Collecting for Decorators
2. How to Make Your Own Ikea Furniture – for More
3. The Joy of Sanding (for the humor section)
4. The Joy of Scraping (for the spiritual section)
5. Woodworking before the Internet: Myth or Reality?
6. 1001 Uses for Offcuts
7. I Was a Teenage Scraper
8. Workbench in a Weekend: The Sleepless Way
9. Workbench in a Year: With Real Life
10. Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, by Lee Valley
Dang! All the good ones have been taken, but here are a few anyway.
One With the Wood: The Zen Guide to Splinter Removal.
Free Wood! How to Acquire Lumber Cheaply and Easily When Everyone Else Is Asleep.
Shaker Decorative Carving vol. 4
Plumbing Is Overrated: 1001 Outhouse Plans You Can Build In A Day.
Make Your Own Dentures, From Wood!
Coffee Tables of Medieval Europe
1. Toothpick and Popsicle Stick Woodworking
2. Choosing the Right 16 oz. Maydole Hammer for the Job
3. Training Your Benchdogs
4. Adventures in Boring
5. BTU Values for Exotics – A Guide for Mistake Prone Woodworkers
6. Woodworking Projects and Zeno’s Paradox
7. Murphy Didn’t Know the Half of It – Woodworking Mistakes I Have Made
8. Mini-Fencing with Drawbore Pins
9. Don’t Call Them Scraps! I Love Them All!
10. Woodwroking Esoterica that Non-Woodworkers Find Interesting
"101 Ways to Sharpen Your Blade"
"Woodworking: Putting the Recess Back in Recession"
"Put a Stick In It, It’s done. A Complete Guide to Drawboring"
Great blog. Good laughs.
I have nothing to add but to say thank you to everyone for the chuckles! I’m keeping this list for days when I need a good laugh. :o)
101 $5000 Paper Towel Racks That You Can Build
Routers: Why Own Just One When Seven Will Do?
Must-Have Jigs You Might Use Twice In A Lifetime (Vol 2)
Get Started In Woodworking With Only $25,000
The Ultimate Book Of Plans For Ultimate Router Tables
Tool Porn: An Addict’s Guide To Lee Valley Catalogs
The Craftsman’s Guide To Belt Sanders
How To Convert Your Guest Bath Into A Finishing Room
Dust Collection For Apartment Dwellers
Building MDF Furniture The Colonial Williamsburg Way
How to make a small fortune with woodworking- start with a large fortune.
Someone else’s quote whose name eludes me at present.
How about "How to Build New Cabinets for Your Kitchen in Only 15 Years"?
Or ‘The Woodshop Guide to Doorstops and Boat Anchors?’
1. Blended Woodworking: Alcohol and Power Tools (or how I learned to stop worrying and love the blade guard).
2. 1001 Excuses for Unfinished Projects.
3. Grannies Complete Guide to Saw Painting and Yard Ducks.
4. From Tree To Stump: The Illustrated Guide to Sculpting Your Own Firewood.
5. The Insurance Adjuster’s Guide to Workshop Wiring and HVAC.
6. Log Deers and Tree Stump Chairs for Dummies.
Pleasant Hill Forgotten Series:
– "Building The Shaker Poker Table Set"
– "Sunday Afternoon Woodworking"
– "Better-than- Sex Mortise and Tenon Joinery"
"Noah & Moxon: A Channeling Lecture Series on the History of Successful Joinery"
"Dovetailing Partical Board with Precision"
"Hand-Rubbed Finishes for Your Partical Board Lowboy"
Glen
How about "The Woodworkers Illustrated Guide to Shop Accidents and Amputations" by Stubby McGee
17th century furniture reproduction for Dummies.
Sculpting trees – from wood!
Inlays, marquetry, and embellishments for Shaker furniture.
Learn woodworking in 60 minutes!
Larry,
Hoo boy I’ve built my share of craft fair crap.
A wooden puzzle of a squirrel in a tree? Yup. A pull-along duck that quacks? Si! A coat rack with fish heads that hold your coats? In my house.
If that’s lofty, then I’d hate to see the dregs.
I really don’t think I insulted anyone with a photo of a salad bowl and a plastic head. But then maybe I’m not sensitive enough.
Sorry to disappoint. I probably will again I fear.
Chris
"Apply Walnut Stain and Three Coats of Polyurethane — The Complete Guide to Wood Finishing for Woodworkers"
"Building Amish-Style Furniture" 🙂
"Make Your Own Lawn Decorations"
"Taters and Onions Bins — 20 Plans for Every Kitchen."
"Buying the Right Tools Can Make You A Better Woodworker" (From the "Buying a New Putter Can Make You A Better Golfer" Series)
Chris, I love your writing. I love your whacky sense of humor. But sometimes whacky senses of humor reveal things beyond whimsy.
The book you featured with a photo, "More Craft Fair Crap" says much about your beliefs that furniture making is somehow a more loftier woodworking endeavour than all the people you’ve insulted with your joke. I suspect many of those people are subscribers of your magazines. It has always baffled me that furniture makers can be so enamoured with relief carving if it’s done on a cabriole leg and yet see artistic carvings of the same type as "Fair Crap." You disappoint.
Cheers — Larry
"The Ins and Outs of Hollow Chisel Mortising Machines"
"Cutting Dovetails With Hand Tools (for Beginners): As Easy as 1-2-3"
"Just One More Bench: The Story of Christopher Schwarz’s Bench Building ‘problem’, volume 1"
"14 Ways to Ruin Common Wood Finishes Using Household Cleaners" …wait, that isn’t funny.
"Common Woodworking Injuries – A How-To Guide"
"A Cabinet Maker’s Guide to Working with Green Wood"
"How to Justify $20,000 Worth of Woodworking Tools by Making $3,000 Worth of Furniture to Your Spouse."
"The Big Book of Adirondack Chairs – Over 200 Different Plans!"
"When to Keep Your Mouth Closed – A Woodworker’s Guide to Shopping for Furniture with a Spouse"
"20 Common and Classic Uses for Saw Nibs"
(I must admit, I would have to pick that one up and flip the pages in a bookstore.)
"Unusual Scars and How to Get Them"
"Block Planes – How Many is Too Many?"
I actually think that "How to Increase Productivity When You Have Internet Access At Work" SHOULD be published…as a downloadable eBook.
Everyone has great titles. Who would have thought woodworkers could also have a sense of humor?
"Cut twice and it’s still too short" by
"We lose money of every sale, it’s the high volume that keeps us in business: The complete guide to succeeding in the woodworking business"
A few more never-to-be-written, nor read, titles:
How to manage a shop budget by the US Government
I came, I sawed, I lacquered.
Intuitive woodworking: how to master power tools with your eyes closed.
How to get firmer chisels.
98 ways to shim.
Quick, Easy, Fast Windsor chairs without planning or preparation.
Demystifying featherboards.
Woodworking exposed… a story by PeeWee Herman.
Shooting boards and friends by Dick Cheney.
Whew… that was a good purge… a slight aftertaste left, but I think I can sleep now… ;-]
The Best day of year to sun your cherry
How to convert workbenches to kitchen islands
Making shavens for hamsters
and for the women woodworkers
kreg jigs guild to How to screw a stud.
The Procrastinator’s Guide to Wood Finishing
Turn, Turn, Turn: A Shaker Songbook for Woodworkers
Bang Your Thumb Slowly and Other Shop Wisdom
Wax On, Wax Off: the Zen of Wood Finishing
The Case for Metric Nails
Swallow Tails, the Better Joint
Wood Chips and the High Fiber Diet
Shaker Entertainment Centres
Woodworking Step by Step – Vol 1 Planting the seed
113 boxes made from scraps
The Main in the Plaid Shirt
How to review tools and influence people!
How to win forum arguments; aka forum arguments for dummies by dummies.
How to maintain your saw nib in top working order.
Vestigial tool parts.
How to conquer procrasti
How to clean your tools so they are like old.
The art of the buy by T. Hughes.
How to have tools sent to you for free.
How to get blog ideas when the well has run dry.
The 11 step program to kick the tool habit.
How to determine the age of the wagon you just fell off (and bought).
This post is a drug for me.
Hammer Fetishes – the beaten path.
Layout lines for Dummies.
How to grind for pleasure and performance.
The tear-out chronicles: Bevel-up versus Bevel-down.
The mallet driven life.
Skewing things – how to find your angle.
Tight abs in two minutes a day – the scrub plane workout.
How to cope with more than corners.
Butt joints… an introspective.
Making a box by Pandora
The torture of it all is that these book titles are going to keep popping in my head all night! Just another thing to make me appear insane as I chuckle for no outwardly apparent reason.
"Sawdust, Shavings, Splinters, and Other Extraordinarily Small Bits of Torn-up Wood" by Cosmo Pinesap
I want the "Nice Crotch" book. Get to work!
"Building Furniture for family and friends, and 10 other ways to make enemies"
"The complete woodworkers guide to convincing your wife you need that tool"
"Pins or tails first, the yin and yang of woodworking"
"The Schwarz Phenomenon…How one man’s tool reviews can make hand tool prices go up overnight."
"I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!: A Blogger’s Guide to Blogging" (To answer the question, yes…and the irony is delicious)
"European Combination Machines and Other Purchases That Ruined My Marriage"
"If Hepplewhite Had Power Tools and Other Ridiculous Theories"
"The Number One: Why Pay So Much For So Little?"
"My Two Best Friends: A Woodworker’s Guide to Routers and Beer"
Both lists are great, but the 2 that really made me laugh were "Woodworking and Intellectual Property Law for Forum Posters" and "How to Murder Trees and Make Stuff With Their Flesh"- the latter being my personal favorite. The saddest book, however, has got to be "A Price Guide to Lie-Nielsen Boxes and Packing Materials." As someone who’s sold a LN plane on eBay, I can identify w/ that one, and that makes me want to cry…
Oh, and you forgot "Musings of the Three-fingered Shop Teacher," and "How to Surface a Board With a Smoothing Plane Set Up to Take .00000001" Thick Shavings and Still Manage to Accomplish ANYTHING!"